My Journey with Mental Health - I Didn't Want to Live Anymore...
As I’m writing this know that I am in a much better place in every area of my life. I went through a storm mentally, emotionally, and physically for almost two years. Some days I still don’t feel like I’m out of a storm, but this time around I have the tools and resources I need to fight back when life tries to get me down. I want to thank you in advance for taking time out of your day to read my blog. You literally don’t have to and your support matters so much to me. I made the decision to keep going and hence why I feel so compelled to share my journey with you today.
My only intent for this blog is to show you what I needed when I was going through my storm. I would search for hours and hours for content that spoke to the truth of entrepreneurship without all the highlight reels. I have heard the stories of your famous greats of how hard it was in their beginnings, but I couldn’t find the steps they took to overcome that could help me in my specific situation. We honestly don’t know what Steve Harvey, Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, Mark Zuckerburg or anyone else who has reached massive success had to go through to get to where they are today. The people you follow on social media might tell you how hard it was to chase their dreams, but you didn’t see the process. Even as I write this blog there is still two years missing of my day-to-day process that life took me through. It wasn’t televised and most of it will remain private. Although my lowest days didn’t reach social media I am doing my best to share my process with you. I am only sharing my story in hopes that it will help at least one person. This is my story and I feel privileged that God chose to wake me up again to share my journey with you.
I knew something had changed mentally the moment I closed my laptop from the zoom-based divorce court call with the judge and my ex. It’s like something snapped. My heart sunk into a deep dark place where I knew my life would never be the same again. I now carried the title of a divorced woman from someone I knew for seven years or more. In the divorce process, it took me an entire year to get legally divorced from my previous partner. Everyone glamorizes the marriage, the photoshoots, the white dress, the ceremony, but the divorce is an entire different ball game. It comes with a stigma that you didn’t finish your happily ever after.
My parents had gone through marriage + divorce, but no one could really prepare you for marriage and I for darn sure don’t think anyone can prepare you for what happens when you’re sleeping in your bed alone contemplating how you even got into this situation in the first place. You feel like your whole world just flipped upside down and the pain you feel resides in the wasted promises you made with another person. It’s a failed situation no matter how you look at it. Hence why my series continues to speak on my journey of #MyFaithFailedMe…
When I first knew that I was going to be getting a divorce, I hated waking up. I hated mornings. It was a reminder that not only was I alone, but I had to keep on trying for this dream I had while also feeling the pains of another failed relationship. I masked my pain with more ambition. That was my coping mechanism to work… My good friend Isiah, shoutout to him, told me Jasmine whatever you do, don’t go and work so hard that you forget to heal. Needless to say I didn’t listen. I had to prove my ex wrong and even myself right that I wasn’t a failure and that’s what I did.
After the Walk By Faith Conference ended it rendered me a whopping $23.00 in total profit from the entire event. Yes, you read that right I made a total $23.00 from a full-scaled virtual experience with over 20 speakers provided to the community I thought could benefit from it. But again, this is the part of entrepreneurship that no one talks about. You HAVE TO GO THROUGH making NO MONEY before you make MONEY. It’s the stage you have to go through. You have to be tested over and over again because it weeds out the weak. I got so used to seeing the million-dollar entrepreneur that I forgot that you have to make $1 consistently before you make thousands consistently.
My first mistake was the intent in which I moved once I experience heartbreak. When you move in love and good spirits no matter if you win or lose you will see it as a complete journey. I learned that entrepreneurship is for the journey, the long haul. It has no direct instant gratification attached. I have learned now to have joy with the $23 or the $23,000+ it all is a blessing because it could be $0.00. No one has to pay you for your ideas. If they do count that towards your blessings.
The struggle wasn’t over the conference was in April. My divorce finalized in September. That’s a lot of time to sit with the thoughts of being a failure. Based on my lense, I was a failure. I didn’t have the tools I needed or the money to support my dreams. I was still grieving the loss of a relationship and now my views of a failed business. I was no longer able to be the joyful, optimistic, resilient Jasmine. I was no longer the strong friend. I could no longer show up on social media and bring a smile to my followers. Everything that could go wrong in my eyes did. I no longer wanted to be here… But God kept waking me up so I decided to try this thing called life again. I felt purposeless.
I truly believe with my entire being that I found my purpose in 2015. My purpose is simply to “help people walk by faith.” That’s the message. Its the full story. The method in which I help people has been through various mediums such as: Content Creation, Multiple Businesses, Conferences, Virtual Events and more. One day I will have my own chicken business, be on tv, interview the top of the top and help to invest in my local/international communities to help make this world a better place. I pray that with my life you will be inspired enough to give your dreams a shot because they deserve at minimum a shot to see the light of day.
I knew that this had to be my purpose because I studied it, I analyzed it, I dreamed it, I walked by faith on social media for years. It had to be it and IT STILL IS! By God’s grace. Here is a video of my NYC bedroom. I use to write my dreams on my walls with white paper and my windows with a dry eraser marker. I spent my Saturdays dreaming and planning. Planning and dreaming. I had it… I just had to keep going.
Let’s fast forward… after the conference, I had a very unique encounter where I was told it’s best for me to go back to work. I couldn’t just hop into an engineering job so I started serving tables as a waiter at Olive Garden. Man did I feel lost and like even more of a failure. I was once the person on the other side of the table and now I’m the server. I was financially still trying to make sure my ends were being met and by God’s grace I never missed a rent payment that doesn’t mean other things weren’t missed though, lol. When my money was funny my anxiety was at its worse… I was so focused on the future and never reaching my purpose. Anxiety turned into panic attacks and then my health started to decline. I gained weight, my face broke out and I didn’t want to even get out the bed. But I still pressed on. The worst of this phase was that I was applying for engineering jobs and they kept asking why was their a gap in my resume.
I mean what did you want me to tell the recruiter - I walked by faith and right now I’m having to keep trying a new route to my dreams post a divorce. That sounds convincing right… eh. I finally landed a contracting job making more money and left the food industry which I thought would be for good. My final stage of depression had yet to hit. I had to finalize my divorce in a courtroom. Due to covid. it was my bedroom. After that zoom call, my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks worsened. I still would go to work but immediately after I would crawl in the bed and cry because I was not in my purpose. I was back doing what I had just left in NYC. Talking to people everyday who really didn’t love what they did so their energy was low and I didn’t even have the energy to spare to get the team where they needed to be.
I disliked the folks but I enjoyed the work. So I know I just needed a new company. Jordan, shoutout to you for saying that my pain wouldn’t last always and that it will get better. It did. I found a new role at a start up and I loved what I did. I loved it so much that I was okay not getting back to my purpose… That’s where I know God had a laugh because he snatched that job after four months. I’m writing this post as a laid off engineer, lol.
The difference is that I have a different mindset and a better perspective. I have been in therapy consistently for seven months. I found a new joy in Jan 2022 because I told myself that God keeps waking me up for a reason and I’m going to keep going. No matter how hard it gets, I’m going to keep going this time. Btw, I’m on year eight. This is my eighth year of trying and like Steve Harvey says often, if God don’t do it ain’t gone get done because I’m really not that smart.
I write this post because I’m on the other side of suicidal thoughts (I never attempted to kill myself). I am on the other side of depression. I am on the other side of anxiety. I no longer have panic attacks. I have so much more grace with my goals and plan to retire frying chicken. Something so chill and entertaining in my eyes.
A prayer for anyone struggling, please say this with me.
God,
I don’t know what you’re doing right now. Everything hurts, but I have mustard seed faith that you will never leave me. Please help me with my unbelief. I will believe that only you can get me out of this funk. I can’t bear this pain any longer. Can you please send me next steps to help me. Can you please give me the strength to keep going just ON TODAY. I won’t worry about tomorrow. It will get better. I will be here to see it get better if it’s in your will. This is making me stronger and I will fight another day.
In Your Son Jesus Name, AMEN!
FAQ
Jasmine, How did quitting your job affect you?
Let me share that I don’t regret quitting my job one bit. I was one of the first people to enter the great resignation. My team in NYC was expanding and they were offering roles in Dallas. They decided to alter my pay by 50% and I respectfully declined. Of course, if my business would have made millions of dollars the next day I wouldn’t be even making this post so I will say that I needed everything to be the person I am on today.
Jasmine, How did getting Married impact you?
It was never my dream to get married, if I’m honest. I desired to be in a life-long companionship, but not a marriage because I saw marriage end in a divorce when I was seven years old. I had to build up my faith that it could happen for me. Once I got engaged, I trusted my then partner to be the head and then the rest is history. Literally. I’m proud of myself for taking the risk. It could have went either way. With love you just never know.
Jasmine, How did moving to Dallas and then experiencing a pandemic as an extrovert impact you?
I went from riding in a subway recording my footsteps every day to walking from my bed to the living room with a pandemic. That enetiree process was traumatic to me. I’m an extrovert. When you go to that word in the dictionary my name is right there beside it. I get my energy from people. I was locked up for two years in my house. If you asked me I was in prison. It was not fun and I do not wish to return. I’m FOREVER OUTSIDE, PERIOD! (With my boyfriend or course lol)
Jasmine, How did your divorce impact you?
Divorce was my biggest fear. Some people will say spiders, but when I was young I said divorce and when I got older it was divorce. I experienced my parents experienced divorce at the age of seven. My fear of divorce manifested into a divorce, depression, anxiety and panic attacks. By God’s grace I am healed from all of that, but even if I have small spouts I will at least know how to cope with PRAYER & THERAPY! After Jan 2022, I made a decision to keep on going and I attracted my Forever, LD Douglas II. Babe, my life has not been the same since you hopped in my DMs. You are perfect FOR ME and I truly appreciate you sticking beside me and never judging me when I got laid off. You spoil me and I appreciate your leadership. I happily follow behind
you even when you get on my last nerves. Love you, My Forever LD.
I plan to write a post on dating and life after divorce so stay tuned. I’m not an expert so take what you want and if you’re judging me remember you’re judging yourself, lol.
Jasmine, How did building a business impact you?
It is and will forever be the best thing that has happened to me. I’m still walking by faith. God keeps pushing me into purpose and I plan to keep on walking where I have no idea where it will eventually lead. “I’m attached to the purpose - the why, not the how.” - JasThePrettyPlug
Mental Health Resources:
Openpath is intended for people without insurance, but they want to help all. Follow the steps and read around the site. https://openpathcollective.org You have to pay a fee of $59 to join open path from there you will see a list of therapists in your area. You can read about them and email as many as you want to negotiate prices etc. Since Corona most of it is virtual, but that’s been a really smooth process for me so far. Scroll to the bottom of the website for the step-by-step.
Therapy for Black Girls
Suicide Prevention Hotline
44 Mental Health Resources for Black People Trying to Survive in This Country https://www.self.com/story/black-mental-health-resources
Uncomfortable Growth - Therapy Edition Ep. 3
If you made it this far thank you. Overall, the #MyFaithFailedMe series is about the things you don’t see people talking about while they strive for their goals. I plan to keep it real over here. Please do leave me some indication that this helped you by liking, sharing, and subscribing. I’ll be back next Monday for another blog post.